Something I Don't Understand

Yak. Selamat sore saudara-saudara (ceritanya nih buatnya pas sore), berjumpa lagi dengan post saya di sini setelah sekian lama berjamur. Sekarang saya akan..........menampilkan sesuatu yang bisa dibaca.    ._.

Sesuatu yang sangat sesuatu ._.

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So, this is the first time I've been in something so serious.

So, there is a guy named A. The first time we met, we don't really care at all, even as classmates. But when the second semester came, we have higher level of friendship. Days by days, it becomes deeper...

And this is what I hate the most. The trust has been built. Can I trust someone on keeping that which is indirectly to that guy? That's what I was thinking. And I choose to not think about the possibility of the shit that may happen. So, I trust in this. I do what I want to do and I have done something I never did to someone else.

Well, it's fun, tiring, and else spending time with A. But, is it worth it now? I've been thinking too much because this A actually hasn't moved on someone (B). Sometimes, I was afraid of falling and not able to raise up again that I was trapped in the hole forever. But I threw that thought far away. And still, I am afraid.

Do you know why I am afraid besides B in A's mind? It's his behavior, what he does are so genuine for me. So I give the same. What I don't understand this time is the way A treats me.

   

What I get now is this:

          A > still into > B

          A > has known B doesn't feel the same

          B > A's first 

          A and me are close

          A plays with my jelly, and indirectly hurts my feeling

I'm not blaming anyone, but I feel hurt and my mind doesn't agree with it.
I really don't understand myself, too.

Maybe I am cold, mean, moody, or something bad I did (sorry I can't mention all, I don't have good memory). And maybe those are things A can't stand. or maybe I am too closed with myself. It also could be A doesn't get what he hopes or wants.

And I am sorry for that. I really can't handle on what I'm doing. Maybe that's why A still in her. I know it's hard to let the first one go. He can do anything he wants. I can't manage what he's gonna do. Human is free.
Hah.. I can't find how this paragraph relates to the previous.
I start to feel so not in mood and don't really into the convo when it comes to lie. It's okay to tell a lie but please see the situation and don't be out of control. Simply, don't lie and don't hurt much.

If 'you' are reading this, just keep this in you. I can walk away to save myself if you don't want to anymore. Feel free to say. And sorry I've been in such moody that I don't like it too. I hate myself so much.

Sorry, readers, if it's confusing ._. Maybe you guys don't understand what I'm saying right now, but one day you will. [guide: see from my viewpoint to really understand]
Even these are not all of my mind, but I've tried pouring out what I am feeling now and I feel better.

So, I guess this is the end of the post.

Thank you for reading :)